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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

“Write Badly. Then Rewrite.” – Advice from Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveNia Magoulianiti-McGregor chatted to Times LIVE about her new book, How to Marry a Politician and Survive.

In the short interview, Magoulianiti-McGregor spoke about the best line she’s ever read – which comes from Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All – and the best line she’s ever written – which was for her father’s eulogy.

The author also shares her inspiration, and the best writing advice she ever received:

The writer who made me want to be one:

Hermann Hesse, especially in Narcissus and Goldmund. It’s required reading by any teenager in an existential crisis.

The best advice anyone gave you about writing:

Write badly. Then rewrite. I go with what James Michener once said: ”I’m not a very good writer, but I’m an excellent rewriter.”

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How to Marry a Politician: Learn the Offside Rule with Lucas Radebe and Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor (Video)

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveNia Magoulianiti-McGregor was a guest on the SABC’s Morning Live show, to chat about her new book How to Marry a Politician and Survive.

Magoulianiti-McGregor reveals that she worked with a flirt coach when writing the book, who gave her good advice on how to bag a politician.

“Men really like three things: sport (soccer), sex, and food,” Magoulianiti-McGregor, adding that the book includes recipes from renowned traditional South African chef Dorah Sithole, as well as instructions from Lucas Radebe explaining the offside rule in simple terms.

Watch the video:

YouTube Preview Image

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Read an Excerpt from Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor’s New Book, How to Marry a Politician and Survive

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveKMM Review Publishing has shared an excerpt from Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor’s rip-roaring read, How to Marry a Politician and Survive.

How to Marry a Politician and Survive is a tongue-in-cheek look at politicians in South Africa, in which Magoulianiti-McGregor gives readers advice on how to become the “wife to retire on”.

This extract consists of an amusing quiz: Do you have what it takes to be a politician’s wife?

Answer as truthfully as you can to the questions below. As it takes a thief to catch a thief, it may well take a savvy, sassy politician (that’s you) to nab a politician.

General knowledge:

1.Veronica Lario is…
a) Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi’s estranged wife who scored big time after she left that geriatric.
b) Someone who should have known better.
c) A new perfume.

2. Nkandla renovations cost
a) Around R246 million.
b) Pay Back the Money.
c) A few million but I hear security upgrades and fire pools are very expensive. (I wouldn’t mind a fire pool. Er, what is a fire pool?)

3. Which two South African female politicians kissed, merged, and then ‘divorced’ publically soon after:
a) DA leader Helen Zille and Agang founder Mamphela Ramphele.
b) What women do with each other publicly or privately is a valid expression of intimacy.
c) Sies.

4. Which is your favourite parliamentary quote:
a) ‘While the honourable Mazibuko may be a person of substantial weight, her stature is questionable.’
b) ‘Jacob Zuma’s cows must pay the e-toll.’
c) I don’t think what they say in parliament has anything to do with us.

5. Who said: ‘There were lots of pictures taken that day, and I just thought it was a bit of fun.’
a) Danish prime minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt who took a selfie with Barack Obama and David Cameron under Michelle O’s glares.
b) US congressman Anthony Weiner aka Carlos Danger who took a selfie of his weiner and sent it to a 20 year old – or two.
c) The married Durban socialite who brought down KZN Arts and Culture minister Narend Singh.

6. Where can you buy sexy, lacy panties?
a) Outside parliament in the EFF branded merchandise corner.
b) I don’t buy underwear that objectifies me.
c) La Senza.

Advanced Questions:

1. Complete the sentence: Dali Mpofu is…
a) A member of the EFF and a respected advocate.
b) Trouble. What was Winnie thinking?
c) Tjo. Quite the charmza!

2. If you ever meet Steve Hofmeyr, you will…
a) Teach him to sing the entire national anthem before having a serious discussion on social cohesion and ways to build a nation.
b) Tell him you are a crack shot and he should watch his unfaithful ass.
c) Ensure you’ve taken your birth-control pill that day.

3. Are you down with the people? Complete this sentence: In The Bold & the Beautiful…
a) Stephanie was the moral compass and now she’s gone, is no standard to hit against.
b) Is that a hard-hitting documentary? No? I don’t watch it then.
c) Hope is the new moral compass. At least, she tried to hang onto her virginity. Well, for a little while anyway.

4. Are you down with the people part 2? Generations is…
a) Still a mess! And Zwelinzima is obviously also no longer a fan after he said he wanted to cut Mfundi Vundla ‘down to size’.
b) Still overly aspirational.
c) I still miss Ntsiki. At least Karabo is back!

5. Decipher Fikile Mbalula’s tweet: ‘Incipient in this strategic initiative is its cataclysmic effect between the anvil of grassroots development of sport.’
a) I think it’s got something to do with sport development or quotas.
b) Jargon is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
c) Oh ya, my ex-boyfriend in Rosettenville had an anvil. It’s like a heavy iron block so he could shape metal.

How fast are your reactions:

1. You think your political husband may be contemplating a divorce. The first thing you do is…
a) Make an appointment with divorce attorney Billy Gundelfinger so hubby can’t.
b) Make an appointment with a gun-for-hire.
c) Make an appointment with a marriage counselor.

2. His phone beeps at 3am. He is downstairs: You:
a) Check the message, of course. It could only be his nyatsi at this time of night.
b) Smash his phone. It’s waking you up.
c) Take his phone to him and tell him he has a message.

General personality

1. When you heard that Noluthando Vavi had stood by Zwelinzima after that intern sex scandal, your first thoughts were:
a) She has her reasons – why should she give it all up for something meaningless?
b) She should have retaliated with the first available Ben 10.
c) Ag, shame, man. It’s none of our business and he looked very sorry.

2. Is it more important to look good and make a grand entrance than to be on time?
a) I can’t answer the question now – I’m two hours late, I haven’t done my make-up yet and I’m the keynote speaker.
b) Timing is everything. Looks are just another way men oppress women.
c) Actually, I’m just busy giving myself a home mani and pedi at the moment.

3. When you walk into Tasha’s, Tasha herself greets your personally with a kiss on both cheeks. You say…
a) Darling! I love the new place in Dubai!
b) I don’t like it there. Tasha’s is too much of a ‘scene’.
c) What or who is Tasha?

4. Your memoir would start like this:
a) I had a politician husband in Africa.
b) Aluta Continua.
c) It was a dark and stormy night.

Results:

Mostly As: You are the quintessential political wife who may well have aspirations of becoming Numero Uno herself one day. Good. You secretly admire Carla Bruni-Sarkozy’s hair but not her style of political wifedom. You know that too much sex and he will not concentrate on the big prize. You keep the balance right. Keep in mind what Facebook’s chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, once said: ‘The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.’ You will make a better leader than any man. You are not just a trophy wife. He’s the trophy and you want it. Read on. You will get it.

Mostly Bs: Thank you for taking time out of your anger management meeting to do this test. It is better that you do not marry a politician. You will not last a year. Neither will he. And then there’ll be police and a messy trial. Forget about joining the ANC Women’s League. Although the League has decided SA finally is ready for a female president, this being the 21st century and all, they’re backing JZ’s ex or anyone from KZN. Are you from KZN? Rather become a dominatrix for kicks instead – or the CEO of Anglo American. And we’re not saying etiquette is everything but the steak knife is for cutting meat, not his manly bits.

Mostly Cs: You imagine the best political wives are neat, smiling women with little on their minds aside from redecorating the presidential palace and going indigenous with the garden. You are probably right. You will make a good political wife. Just not a particularly interesting one. Do one thing today that scares you, perhaps like forgetting the pale lipstick. Just for a day. You don’t want to be upgraded when your ‘best before’ date is up. Remember, a replacement may undo all your hard charity work and even re-catalogue the bibliographic entries in the library.Eish.

Conclusion: You now know what you are dealing with psychologically and astrologically. You know yourself a little better too. You are prepared. You are ready to enter the jungle and spot your prey. Load your gun, sister. We have our sights on the big prize.

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Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor Explains the Perks of Dating a “Ben 10″

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveNia Magoulianiti-McGregor, author of the new book How to Marry a Politician and Survive, has written an article for Destiny about her recent, “sizzling hot” tryst with a much younger man.

In the article, Magoulianiti-McGregor speaks about the awkward moments she experienced when she was dating her “Ben 10″, and explains the many perks of having a younger lover.

Read the article:

I had a lover recently who was in nappies while I was in first-year varsity. I’m not saying it was all good – he told a lot of school rugby stories, with the word “awesome” thrown in – but mainly, it was sizzling hot. OK, it was “awesome”.

Everyone who’s anyone has a Ben 10 on call these days – although I bet celebrities do it better. I’m guessing Mariah Carey, on her first date with Nick Canon (11 years her junior) didn’t have that awkward moment I had when a waitress asked me what my “son” would be ordering. And I’m not sure whether Tina Turner ever went swimming with husband Erwin Bach (16 years younger) when they first met – only to realise, without the cover of darkness, a flickering candle and a bottle of Cab Sav, that the cellulite cream hadn’t worked at all.

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Coming in February: How to Marry a Politician and Survive by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveKMM Review Publishing is proud to present How to Marry a Politician and Survive by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor:

How to Marry a Politician and Survive is a tongue-in-cheek look at South African politicians, a celebration of quirky moments, a guide for those who want a wedding with hand-made menus that cost millions and a lifestyle of Johnny Walker blue (not red), as well as a glimpse at their shenanigans and creative machinations.

In this fun-filled book, Magoulianiti-McGregor gives readers advice on how to check out his psychological profile – whether he is a Number One, a Trade Union Leader or the Opposition Oke – and use this to your advantage, discover why a Working Class hero self-sabotages by scoring “own goals”, and laugh in the face of the Juju Curse. Learn how to ward off nyatsis (even the likes of shameless Danish PM Helle Thorning-Schmidt). And Flirt Coach Catriona Boffard gives step-by-step instructions to hunt your “prey”.

Advice is at hand about surviving in a polygamous marriage and becoming the “wife to retire on”. Plus, readers will get tips on how to satisfy all his appetites – with recipes from acclaimed chef Dorah Sitole, sport talk from Lucas Radebe and tantalising snippets from Sexual Health Practitioner Elna McIntosh. Wedding planner supremo Sophie Ndaba walks you through your fairy-tale-fabulous wedding.

How to Marry a Politician and Survive also pays tribute to the innate determination and resourcefulness of South African women, who want what they want. And if you’re a politician, watch out, we want YOU.

Chapters in the book

The 3 P’s: Pomp, Power and the Politician – In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the huntress does not sleep tonight – Fake it till you make it – The letter bomb – Party people – The hook, line and sinker: sustenance, sport & sex – The (t)Art of War – Media mogul – Seal the deal, baby – I will survive.

About the author

Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor is a Johannesburg-based writer, editor, columnist, journalist and the mother of a 23-year-old son who knows everything. She studied Journalism and Media Studies at Rhodes University in the early 1980s, sidelined into PR before taking on the role as a desperate housewife, which she played alarmingly well for many years. She rejoined the workforce as a magazine writer, scriptwriter and newsreader after her divorce at age 40 (a long time ago.)

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Fred Khumalo Insists Race Still Defines Social Class in South Africa

Zulu Boy Gone CrazyFred Khumalo, author of Zulu Boy Gone Crazy: Hilarious Tales Post Polokwane, believes race still defines social class in South Africa, and says this is a fact that should be acknowledged.

Khumalo relates an amusing story about a family eating homemade sandwiches at a fast-food restaurant. He says when he relayed the anecdote to a group of white acquaintances, the situation turned awkward when he brought up the family’s race – white. Khumalo says people seem to object to his “equating poverty with blackness”, but insists that that the “handful of new black billionaires hasn’t changed the reality of the millions of black people in this country”.

A friend of mine was having a late lunch at one of the family-food franchises when he witnessed something that made him do a double-take: two tables away from him a family of six were eating sandwiches they had brought with them, in a plastic container strategically placed on the seat, away from the waitress’s line of vision.

To cover for their culinary hoard, the family had bought a round of cold-drinks and a huge plate of chips.

When they thought no one was watching, the mother would plunge a hand into the container and fish out a sandwich, surreptitiously passing it to one of her charges, who would wolf it down quickly, and pick out a chip for good measure.

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