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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

A short A to Z idiot’s guide to the Zulu psyche by Zulu Boy Gone Crazy author Fred Khumalo

Zulu Boy Gone CrazyResponses to a recent column by Fred Khumalo, author of Zulu Boy Gone Crazy: Hilarious Tales Post Polokwane, urged him to pen “an idiot’s guide” to the Zulu psyche.

Khumalo, who has just been announced as one of 11 Writing Fellows for 2016 at the Johannesburg Institute for Advanced Study, writes the article with his tongue firmly in his cheek – a style he is well known for. His book Zulu Boy Gone Crazy offers readers an extended sample of his enviable gift of being entertaining as he goes about disseminating these truths.

Read Khumalo’s article, entitled “The Zulu psyche — an idiot’s guide”:

Here, my friends, is a short A to Z idiot’s guide to the Zulu psyche.

A is for Asikhokhi — we are not paying! Everyone is talking about #FeesMustFall. How coy and apologetic. Are the fees going to fall by themselves? No, in my language we are direct: – asikhokhi.

B is for Bhaxabula — to beat a person vehemently, a favourite Zulu pastime. The synonyms are ukubhibiza, or ukudukluza, or ukubhonya. We might just bhaxabula those who want us to pay.

C is for (uku)Cula — singing. It’s a national pastime since the man from Nkandla came to power. He sings his troubles away.

Also read:


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Is Google Making People Dumb? Fred Khumalo Has All the Facts

Zulu Boy Gone CrazyFred Khumalo is a bit upset.

In his column for The Sowetan, the author of Zulu Boy Gone Crazy: Hilarious Tales Post Polokwane fondly remembers a pre-technology era when he was the human version of Google. His friends used to come to him for advice, knowledge, interesting bits of information, spelling obscure of words in the English language or even creative love letters.

Then the age of Google dawned, and Khumalo rapidly felt himself losing his whizz kid street cred to a search engine: “I’m an intellectual eunuch now, thanks to Google.”

Then Khumalo stumbled upon (how? pray tell) a study on “digital amnesia”, which made him feel a bit better about his intellectual prowess.

Read the article:

But hey, a new study has just been released that gives me bucketloads of Schadenfreude.

I can already feel my gonads growing back on me. This study has identified something called “digital amnesia”. This simply means Google has made people dumber. Viva to that!

The study, conducted among 6000 people in six Western countries, was about what they do when they need to remember a fact.

Among the Americans, half said they would try to look up an answer online before trying to remember it. And – wait for it! – 29% said they would probably forget it again right afterwards. Something that you acquire easily can abandon you just as easily.

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“His Success Mirrors Our Determination” – Fred Khumalo on Trevor Noah’s The Daily Show Debut

Zulu Boy Gone Crazy“I was so happy when Trevor Noah admitted on his debut The Daily Show in the US this week that growing up in Soweto, one dream he shared with many of his neighbours was that of an indoor toilet.”

These are the opening words of Fred Khumalo, in a recent column for Rand Daily Mail, on why we ought to be proud of Trevor Noah’s rise to fame in the US.

The author of Zulu Boy Gone Crazy continues: “Now, stupid regional jokes aside, we have to take pride in that, taking the helm of The Daily Show, Noah has shown the world, once again, that South Africans ‘have been having it’.”

Read the article for Khumalo’s reflections on the challenges facing Noah in the US, and the hindrances he had to overcome to host The Daily Show:

They’ll tolerate a white immigrant from Serbia with little education and no English at all, but they’ll baulk at a professor from Africa who teaches English and philosophy at Harvard. He has to fight for the right to be heard. Only then will they grudgingly accede to his requests: be it at a public place such as a restaurant, airport or supermarket.

So, let us congratulate Noah and give him all the support we can because his success mirrors our determination as a people.

His success will hopefully go a long way towards paving the way for many South Africans, in different professional persuasions, to be given a fair and democratic hearing so they show what they have to offer the world.

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The “Right Person” for the Job is Not a Woman: Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor on Workplace Sexism

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveNia Magoulianiti-McGregor, author of How to Marry a Politician and Survive, recently wrote an article for Destiny magazine about the continued presence of sexism in the workplace.

Magoulianiti-McGregor says she began the research in order to answer the question “How much sexism still exists in the workplace?” The answer was immediately obvious and disappointingly emphatic: “A lot”.

The writer outlines some examples of sexist against women and sexualised treatment of women in the financial services industry.

Read the article:

When Daniels joined a stockbroking firm as part of its research team a few years ago, she overheard the MD discussing the “right person” for a new job opening as a trader. “We need a black male who’s good at sport”.

She understood BBBEE requirements, but why male – and why sport?

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How to Act in a Hotel: Take a Quiz from How to Marry a Politician and Survive by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveDo you have what it takes to be a politician’s wife? Take a quiz from How to Marry a Politician and Survive, by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor, to find out.

The book is a tongue-in-cheek look at South African politics, and a celebration of its quirky moments. Magoulianiti-McGregor provides funny – and sometimes cutting – advice for those hoping to “land a big fish”.

Take the quiz, which will determine whether you have the etiquette skills to be a politician’s wife:

1. Your politician partner has taken you to iconic hotels, such as the Hotel Le Negresco in Nice or the Hotel Grande Bretagne in Athens. When you leave, you

a) Take the slippers, postcards on the desk and complimentary shampoos.

b) Ask the staff what they’re being paid and suggest mass action.

c) Take the slippers, postcards on the desk, complimentary shampoos, complimentary body lotions, a half-used soap, the fluffy towelling gown, a pen, a sheet and that nice lamp next to the bed.

2. You are in the north of France and a politician you have just been introduced to kisses you four times on your cheeks. You

a) Kiss back, holding your breath so he can’t smell your garlic-laden coq au vin lunch.

b) Slap his face four times.

c) French-kiss him back.

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Have You Got What it Takes to be a Politician’s Wife? Take This Quiz and Find Out

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveIn an article for The Star, Helen Grange pulled out some quality tips from How to Marry a Politician and Survive by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor, along with a fun quiz to assess if you have what it takes to be a politician’s wife.

The book, Grange says, is “a delightfully irreverent guide to luring a distinguished man in public office down the aisle, then enjoying the bounties of your conquest.”

It is divided into ten well-researched and thoroughly tongue-in-cheek chapters, covering everything from the personality of a politician, flirt coaching, and how to be bootylicious. There is also a glossary of terms invaluable for aspiring politicians’ wives.

Try the test to see where, on a scale of pale-lipsticked practicality to flamboyant trophy-hunter, you fall:


Take the quiz

1. Veronica Lario is …

a) Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi’s estranged wife, who scored big-time after she left that geriatric.
b) Someone who should have known better.
c) A new perfume.

2. Nkandla renovations cost:

a) Around R246 million.
b) Pay Back the Money.
c) A few million but I hear security upgrades and fire pools are very expensive. (I wouldn’t mind a fire pool. Er, what is a fire pool?)

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“For the Babe Who’s Bored in Limpopo” – How to Marry a Politician and Survive by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveNia Magoulianiti-McGregor visited the Kaya FM studio recently to chat about her new book, How to Marry a Politician and Survive.

Magoulianiti-McGregor explains who she thinks should be reading her tongue-in-cheek how-to manual.

“It’s for the babe who’s bored in Limpopo, it’s for the Joburg chick who’s thinking, ‘hey, I want a bit of fun for tonight … I want a bit of fun for the rest of my life!’,” she says.

“It’s also a social commentary on South Africa, so you don’t really have to want to marry anybody.”

Listen to the podcast:

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Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor Describes the Difference Between Plumbers and Authors

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveNia Magoulianiti-McGregor, author of How to Marry a Politician and Survive, recently wrote a column for MB Life about the agonising process of writing a book.

In the column, Magoulianiti-McGregor speaks about how some famous authors dealt with self-doubt, writer’s block and procrastination. She then writes about her own writing process – it took two years to convince herself she was not a fraud, four years to prepare her material and a few weeks to actually get the job done.

Imagine if plumbers worked the same way …

See what mental machinations are involved to sidestep success? Imagine if your plumber needed a swig of his half-jack, then to “silence his inner critic” (inner critics being partial to just chilling inside both published and unpublished writers), light a candle (Jack Kerouac), or even lie on his stomach holding a blue pen (James Joyce) before he could fix your burst pipe?

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How to Marry a Politician and Survive: Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor’s Tips for Next Year’s SONA (Podcast)

How to Marry a Politician and SurviveAre you a woman with your sights set on Number One, or would you prefer his opposition, Julius Malema? Or maybe you’re looking for a working class hero, the head of Cosatu perhaps?

Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor recently shared a few tips on Power FM on how to ensnare an honourable member of parliament.

The author of How to Marry a Politician and Survive explains how she compiled profiles on the parliamentary candidates to help women sharpen their seduction skills in time for the red carpet at next year’s State of the Nation Address.

Magoulianiti-McGregor’s advice includes what to wear: “You can’t go looking to blingy, you know, that’s just embarrassing. Don’t wear all your Louis Vuitton and your Gucci and your whatever in one go.”

Listen to the podcast:


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Michelle Obama’s Arms, Khanyi Mbau’s Power and Jacob Zuma’s Wives: How to Marry a Politician and Survive Launched at Love Books

Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor and Pamela Nomvete

There was great hilarity as How to Marry a Politician and Survive, by Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor, was launched at Love Books with Pamela Nomvete recently. There were many luminaries in attendance, including Moeletsi Mbeki, the man behind KMM Review.

Nia Magoulianiti-McGregorHow to Marry a Politician and SurviveNomvete opened up the conversation by asking Magoulianiti-McGregor: “What made you write the book?”

Magoulianiti-McGregor, grinning, said, “I think I’m going to hand this question over to Moeletsi.”

To which Mbeki quipped: “Too much red wine!”

“We were sitting at a lunch,” Magoulianiti-McGregor explained, “and we were just talking about politicians and we started laughing about them. And Moeletsi said: ‘You’ve got to write the book!’, and I said: ‘Sure. I’ll call you next year.’ It was very random.”

How to Marry a Politician and Survive is a tongue-in-cheek how-to guide for those wishing to bag a rich politician. As part of her explanatory notes, Magoulianiti-McGregor divided politicians into different categories, such as “Working-class Hero”, “The Opposition Oke”, “The Old Trade-Unionist”, and goes into some detail about their personalities.

“Well, you can use their narcissistic personalities to your advantage,” the author said, “but you have to know what you’re dealing with.”

But Nomvete said she had already heard that Magoulianiti-McGregor has been accused of sexism …

“I thought I’d taken feminism back 20 years,” Magoulianiti-McGregor said lightheartedly, “which I even mention in the foreword. But I was told today I had taken it back 30 years!

“I just think, in a third world country you can’t afford to be too PC about these things. There are people who need a leg up, and they’re gonna take it!” she said, to screams of laughter from the audience.

“It’s a bit of a celebration of South African politicians, and us who complain about them and yet enjoy the quirkiness around them. So it’s more than just a how-to guide.”

“The cover’s great, isn’t it?” said Nomvete, before adding that she saw the book as a clever satire on the world of the celebrity politician.

“Even though it has elements of frivolity,” Nomvete said, “there are lots of layers in it, and I took it as a social commentary of what’s going on in our society.”

Magoulianiti-McGregor said she believes “even feminists” will enjoy her book.

“There’s something sexy about power,” she said, “and I think most women in the room would agree with that. I suppose a politician, with the power to change laws, with the power to take you to SONA with that red carpet, is desirable. That’s the guy, if you’re going to go for power. Even if you are a feminist, and I think most feminists would agree, there is just something about power that is inherently sexy.

“And maybe it’s an evolutionary, psychological thing that happens, from when we were all living in caves. You wanted the guy who was going to come home and feed your children, put a roof or cave over your head, and so on. It’s in our DNA, and it’s hard to get rid of.”

The conversation turned to the wives of President Jacob Zuma. “It was a very romantic speech he gave,” Magoulianiti-McGregor said, “about how other politicians have mistresses and girlfriends, and they try and hide it, and in the end he’s actually proud of his wives and he’s proud of his children. Which would be very romantic if it wasn’t for the odd … illegitimate child on the side.”

Nomvete then asked Magoulianiti-McGregor: “What about Khanyi Mbau? Why does she get such a raw deal?”

“I don’t think I gave her such a raw deal,” Magoulianiti-McGregor said. “But I think she’s an out-there person, she’s actually quite amazing and completely confident, and if I gave her a hard time I don’t mean it. I’m actually quite in awe of her. She’s got this persona, but in fact she’s got a lot of power behind her.”

The book also includes tips on how to get Michelle Obama’s arms, tips for sexy eating (including recipes) and a guide to the modern South African slang of relationships (including “Ben-10″ and “ATM Bomber”). The recipe for the perfect blow-job, however, was left on the editing floor …


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Jennifer Malec (@ProjectJennifer) tweeted live from the event using the hashtag #livebooks:



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Thanks to Kevin James Photography for some of these launch images.



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